I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
