just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
