did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
