Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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