if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
