so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
