My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
