Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
barbara walters just said penis...
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
