there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
