highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
