hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
