Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
