Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
