she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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