rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize