sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
