Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize