I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
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