god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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