I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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