someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Randomize