I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Randomize
