Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize