It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
