Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
