The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
