I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
