singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
