dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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