I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Randomize
