I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
