Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I love you. Go after that dick
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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