just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize