I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
