Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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