Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
