Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I wish there were birth control emojis
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
