Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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