In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
