You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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