u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize