Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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