I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
