In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Boobs speak an international language.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
