my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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