I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
