This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
