Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
