i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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