I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
