So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
