Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
