peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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