32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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