I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
