And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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