Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
