I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
