There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
