1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize