that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
