4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
