In the future we'll all be gay
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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