Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
