i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
