We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Holy shit dude........stairs
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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