you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
