I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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