It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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