I just cut my nipple shaving
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
These tits shall not be calmed
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